I can smell the food from outside and it is making my mouth water. I get excited because I know C came at just the right time. as I am walking to the door the kids come running outside because they are excited to see me. they run up to me and hug me like they haven't seen me in a long time, but i was here yesterday. I get inside and i get put to work right away. I grab a cutting board and a knife and start prepping some ingredients. as I dice, chop and mince I have having fun. Talking and laughing. as time goes on the room is smelling better and better. As i start cleaning up and washing dishes all i can think is how fortunate I am to be able to come here when ever I want. The laughing, visiting, and memories here will never be forgotten. It is almost time for me to go home and no one wants me to leave. The offer me more food, but i already ate way too much. They offer me dessert, but I cant eat anymore. I sit in a food coma and think how much I love it here.
I commented on Atokena and Emma blog
Mmmm... Your post is making me hungry! I think you did a good job with using imagery. I can practically smell the food. You also did a good job with your overall tone and mood- I can tell that this place, even though I don't know where it is, that is very welcoming place and somewhere you enjoy. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but some of the "I"s in the piece as well as the beginning of certain sentences are not capitalized. I've seen people like Bukowski do that, though, so I wasn't sure if it was a mistake or not.
ReplyDeleteThis made me think of my grandmothers visits. Whenever she came she would always make us the best biscuits and gravy. I was also wondering if your use of the lower case "i" was intentional or not.
ReplyDeleteI forgot to include that it was your use of "Show vs. Tell" that took me back to my memory of my grandmother.
ReplyDeleteAwe, super cute post! I love how you expressed the feelings through what happened very well. Made me very hungry as well! Good post of show verses tell. The one thing I would say is that in the beginning a lot of your sentences start with 'I' and with narratives it's hard not to do that, but it helps it not be choppy if you can rearrange the sentences to not mostly start with 'I'. Great post!
ReplyDeleteThank you(:
DeleteIt sounds like you are describing a day care owned by a grandmother or something, but it's hard to tell. All I know is there is food and kids. This seems rushed and sloppy, despite our directions to not focus on grammar, you could have at least payed attention to it. You might want to take more time and put more intention into your writing, because this could have been much more illustrative and easy to read. What does this place look like? What did you end up cooking? What are the people like?
ReplyDeleteI want more---I agree with Chi, above. The details are good, and you have a great start, but use descriptive words, similes, and metaphors will make this piece stronger.
ReplyDeleteThis made me hungry. Good job, but as suggested above me ^^ it could use more. I felt like I saw half of the picture and not the whole.
ReplyDelete